Welcome to My Broken Suicidal Mind and My Mental Health Rollercoaster: My Musings
Welcome to My Suicidal Mind and My Mental Health Rollercoaster: My Musings, a personal blog where I share my experiences and insights on living with suicidal thoughts and managing mental health challenges.
Join me in this journey as I open up about the struggles, the triumphs, and the ongoing process of healing.
This space is dedicated to breaking the stigma surrounding mental health and providing a supportive community for those who may be going through similar experiences.
I believe in the power of storytelling and vulnerability, and I aim to create a safe space for honest conversations about mental health.
Together, let's navigate through the complexities of suicidal thoughts and mental well-being.
Thank you for being a part of this journey with me.
A few pointers about my story then:
Right now, at the early days of this blog I do not feel able to host any kind of discussion forum or even a comments section.
I am a 50-something married male living in the UK.
This blog came about because of a recent suicidal episode that resulted in me completely losing control of reality for several days.
I ended up reaching out online for emotional support instead of to my family, whether through embarrassment or something else, I do not know.
This resulted in me temporarily becoming that which I despise the most, a DM creep. A very polite one but nevertheless I had to take action to manage my condition better and prevent this happening again.
This must be the first and only time this happens.
For me, the creeping was never sexual but I was so desperate for an emotional connection to keep me grounded in reality and save me from the suicidal thoughts that were starting to win, that my ill mind reached out to an influencer on their page through their DMs.
The quite honestly unbelievable fantasy I created to achieve and maintain this connection for a few days has disgusted me and left me completely broken and almost as bad as I was at the start of that episode.
I am now out of that episode and can look back and see what happened or more importantly could have happened and I have to live with that.
I was never offensive, aggressive or sexual but I cannot stop thinking that it could have been worse, that thought horrifies me.
So, after calls to the Samaritans, lots of research online, a chat with my health centre regarding longer-term mental health counselling, much soul-searching and painful but very meaningful conversations with my family, this blog has been born.
In case you wonder, I am no longer accessing social media, If I cannot trust myself not to repeat this event then I must avoid altogether. The only reason I allow myself this blog is because for now it will remain one-directional. I will type and you may or may not read it.
The blog allows me and my family to see how things progress as time goes on.
My Intentions:
At the moment, this will just be a laid-bare journal for me to post my thoughts and experiences so far that I have never shared before.
I may write here on a planned few hours when things are kind of ok, right through to when I'm so looking for anything real-world to concentrate on that this is a last-ditch attempt to help myself.
I’m a Gen X male who has never shared anything about their mental health struggles with anyone before. When I grew up talking about your emotions of any kind wasn't acceptable.
This is a learning environment for me, please be kind.
It is also something of a journal so if I ever lose the battle with my suicidal mind my family have an insight to where I really was all that time I wasn’t mentally present.
My family know about this blog and will no doubt visit when they wish to see what I am sharing that they never knew about.
My wife has been convinced for years that I am neuro-divergent and whilst never officially assessed I always show extremely likely to be on both ADHD and Autism Spectrums.
PTSD also plays a large part of my life and definitely where it concerns public interactions and being in crowded places.
My Writing Style:
I intend to write this in a ‘Letters to a Friend’ approach so the layout, grammar, slang and overall structure may range from formal to pub speak.
A Final Note:
Please do not expect a nice, neat chronological breakdown on my blog posts.
I have 40+ years of this to unpack over time.
You should treat each blog post as a stand-alone entry and over time you may then see the connectedness as I do.
I am simultaneously the most organised yet scatty and forgetful, time-focused yet difficult to nail down, planning-focused but unable to do anything until I have multiple plans for every eventuality, outgoing and friendly yet unable to cope with group gatherings person you will likely ever meet.
I strongly suspect that once I start unpacking everything in my head it will be of the same skittish nature as my day-to-day life.
"You have the power to change your story. Reach out, connect, and find the support you need."
